Quick answer
Small talk gives you clues about whether someone is ready for a deeper conversation. Start with eye contact and a smile, comment on something you’re both experiencing, ask what brings them there, follow up on their answer, and be ready with your one-sentence introduction. Because people decide in an instant whether to believe you, small talk is often the first moment where a leader’s believability is won or lost.
Most of my work involves advising leaders through their most critical conversations, but they often ask my advice about the smallest kind of talking.
I mean that literally: small talk.
“How do I make small talk? It feels so forced and inauthentic.” Clients around the world ask me.
Why is small talk important?
Small talk has an important place within normal conversation. You can’t just dive into a deep conversation unless you know someone is ready for it. Plus, small talk is what gives you clues about someone else’s receptiveness to start a conversation.
I’ve observed this in action at networking events. I’ve seen friends who can’t make small talk try to ask deep questions of someone they don’t know. The response is mistrust and skepticism.
Research on first impressions shows that we judge whether someone seems trustworthy in a fraction of a second. In a well-known study at Princeton, psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov showed people photos of unfamiliar faces for just 100 milliseconds, and their judgments of trustworthiness closely matched the judgments of people who had unlimited time to look (Willis and Todorov, Psychological Science, 2006). Todorov also noted that these quick impressions can change as we get to know someone, which is exactly the work small talk does.
You win or lose believability in an instant. As a result, we have to assess early on whether someone is a friend or foe. Small talk helps us ascertain their openness to speak more.
Why does small talk feel so forced?
Small talk feels forced when we treat it as a performance rather than a conversation. Many leaders I work with are used to being the expert in the room, where their value comes from having the answer. Small talk asks for something different. Its value comes from curiosity, from noticing the other person, and from being willing to start a conversation that might go nowhere.
It also feels forced when we skip the steps. When someone jumps straight to a sales pitch or a personal question, the other person senses the agenda, and the conversation loses its ease. The five steps below give each stage of a conversation a natural place, so you aren’t trying to do everything at once.
Small talk and the three pillars of believability
In my work on believability, I describe three pillars that shape whether people believe a leader: Credibility, Communication, and Connection. Credibility is what you’ve built before you speak, such as your expertise, reputation, and track record. Communication is how you speak in the moment. Connection is whether the other person sees themselves in you, through shared values, stories, humor, and vulnerability.
Small talk is where Connection begins. Before anyone knows your title or track record, they are deciding whether you seem open, curious, and genuine. A few minutes of easy conversation at a conference or a client dinner can make someone far more receptive to the substantive conversation that follows.
Five steps to make small talk feel natural
1. It starts with eye contact and a smile.
I recently attended a networking event and faced a situation that is common to many of us: I knew very few people, but they all knew each other. That led to a fair amount of anxiety because I didn’t want to interrupt a group of people who were catching up. As I approached a group, one woman caught my eye. We both smiled, and she opened up the group so I could join. It calmed my nerves and made me feel welcome.
I had to be willing to approach the group for that to happen, and to look for cues. Recognize that some groups may not be open for you to join. An open group usually has a gap in the circle, or someone turns toward you as you approach. A closed group stands in a tight circle with everyone facing inward. When you join an open group, a simple “Can I join you?” works well.
When you approach a group, make brief eye contact with one person and smile. If they smile back or make room, step in. If they don’t, look away and wait a moment before trying again, rather than holding your gaze on the group. If no one opens the circle after a minute, try another group.
That moment of eye contact did more than get me into the circle. It gave both of us a quick signal that the other person was open, which is the foundation every other step builds on.
2. Comment on a shared experience.
You don’t have to ask about a recent sporting event if you hate sports. Commenting on extreme weather, the buffet running out of food, or a recent speaker’s story are all valid ways to start a conversation. Even something as simple as, “Did you try any of those crab cakes? They were incredible,” can open the door to deeper conversation.
I’ll never forget being on a transatlantic flight and wanting to start a conversation with the woman next to me. I tested out her receptiveness by asking if she knew when the flight was supposed to land. The test worked, and we had a wonderful 3-hour conversation.
We’ve all been in situations when that kind of question results in a gruff 1-word answer: read that as a lack of interest in talking, and be willing to move on. Other signs that someone doesn’t want to talk include looking away, turning their body away from you, or answering without asking you anything in return. When someone is interested, they usually give a longer answer than you asked for, turn toward you, or ask you a question back.
Early in a conversation, stay away from topics like salary, politics, or health, which can make people uncomfortable before they know you.
A shared experience works because it puts you and the other person on the same side of something. You’re both waiting for the flight to land or both noticing the crab cakes, and that small common ground lowers the stakes for whatever comes next.
3. Ask, “What brings you here?”
“What brings you here?” is a better opener than the age-old question we ask in Washington, DC, “What do you do?” or, even worse, “Who do you work for?” It lets you immediately find commonality with the other person, which builds Connection, one of the three pillars of believability.
The goal of small talk is to be curious about the other person, so leave the sales pitch for later. A negotiation professor once had our class find three things in common with the person next to us. The idea was, once you find commonality with someone, you’re more likely to have a productive negotiation. Small talk is no different. Be curious about them, and you’ll find points of commonality.
“What brings you here?” also invites a story rather than a job title. Someone might tell you they came to hear a particular speaker, that their company is expanding into a new market, or that a colleague talked them into it. Each of those answers gives you something to follow up on, which leads to the next step.
4. Ask a follow-up question.
The best networkers listen more than they talk. For those of you who identify as introverts, this means you have a natural advantage over us extroverts who are excited to simply share what we think about what you’ve just said.
Most people don’t spend enough time listening to someone’s answer to a question. They normally think about what they want to say in response or the next question they’re going to ask. After every answer someone gives you, think about a way to ask and probe further. You could say, “That’s so interesting. Can you tell me more about that?” or “Where does that come from?” or “How long have you observed that?” It lets that other person reveal more about themselves. It helps small talk turn into a deeper conversation.
After they answer, share one brief thing about yourself that relates to what they said, and then ask your next question. That back-and-forth keeps the conversation balanced and gives the other person a chance to learn about you, too.
People can usually tell when you’re only waiting for your turn to talk. I wrote about the signs of that in Harvard Business Review, in When You Can Tell Someone Isn’t Listening to You. A sincere follow-up question is one of the clearest signals that you heard what someone said.
5. Be ready with your one-sentence personal introduction
I call this the Anti-Pitch, and it’s one of my favorite strategies when delivering the opening keynote at a conference, when everyone is wondering how to introduce themselves. It’s a great way to find relevant connections with someone. Be ready to explain who you are in one sentence in a way that gives the other person a chance to open up.
The Anti-Pitch is a one-sentence personal introduction which describes your background and what you’re currently working on which you’d like the other person to know about. Come up with your Anti-Pitch before the event so you have it ready to go.
I once met a man at a speed networking event in Washington, DC, who introduced himself by saying, “I’m not working.” It took several questions before I learned that he had five years of transatlantic supply chain logistics experience. That’s a fascinating background, and it would have been the perfect place to start. A good Anti-Pitch saves the other person from playing 20 questions and gives them something to connect with right away.
To build yours, move from Background to Currently. Start with the experience that shapes how you see your work, then share what you’re focused on right now. A simple template looks like this: “I spent [number] years in [background], and currently I’m [what you’re working on or looking for].” Then stop, and let the other person respond. Watch: Your One-Sentence Personal Introduction
How do you end the conversation?
Once you’ve taken the time to get to know someone, you will naturally understand if they’re open to talking more. If they’re not, you can politely end the conversation by saying how much you enjoyed speaking with them and wish them a great event.
For example, you can say, “It was great talking with you. I hope you enjoy the rest of the event.” Or you can say, “I enjoyed our conversation. Do you have a business card?” or “Would you like to stay connected on LinkedIn?” This signals you are ending the conversation.
Can AI help you prepare for small talk?
AI can be a useful practice partner, as long as the words stay yours. In my AI Authenticity Loop, the leader comes up with the idea first, uses AI to brainstorm and practice, reviews everything for authenticity, and then delivers the message to a real human audience. For small talk, that might mean writing your own Anti-Pitch, asking an AI tool to suggest a few follow-up questions for an upcoming conference, and then practicing out loud until the words feel natural.
What AI can’t do is stand in the circle for you. The eye contact, the curiosity, and the decision to step in are all yours, and they are what make people believe you.
Small talk is where believability starts
Small talk can seem like the least important part of a leader’s job. In my experience, it’s often where people decide whether they want to hear more from you. When you approach a conversation with curiosity, read the other person’s cues, and introduce yourself clearly, you give people a reason to believe you before you’ve said anything about your work.
What’s your small talk success story?
Until next time,
Allison
P.S. Small talk is one of the many moments when people decide whether to believe you. If your leaders need to build trust in the age of AI, my keynote, The Believability Gap: Why Leaders Lose Trust, shows them how.
If you’re a senior leader preparing for a high-stakes moment, such as a new role or a board presentation, learn more about my 1:1 executive advisory and book a call. If you’d like more ideas like these, join my biweekly newsletter: sign up here.
About Allison Shapira
Allison works with leaders who need to be believable in the age of AI, so they can build trust and influence with their teams, clients, and decision-makers. For over twenty years, she has advised Fortune 100 executives, prime ministers, cabinet members, and newly promoted leaders navigating high-stakes moments. She is an award-winning lecturer who has been teaching The Arts of Communication at Harvard Kennedy School for over a decade, and in 2026 she was inducted into the Speaker Hall of Fame. Her work has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and Harvard Business Review.